It’s true.. I have been saying this phrase a lot and it’s true: I am the worst! God is working on me, though. No worries there!
This phrase: I am the worst! Don’t know when you think or say it… but it may be in regards to receiving physical touch from my loved ones: I don’t need it and could go a while without it therefore, I am the worst! Most people crave this and want it. I am like “Meh.” *I am learning, though!*
I had a moody-moment and in my anger, loss of control, flood of hormones I had some wretched thoughts followed by some poor actions. I am the worst. What followed was just deep regret and lots of tears and some reflection and then my youngest’s love and affection. Wow, I don’t deserve such love.
As I sat there at the park, unwilling to play with my two year old. I was thinking things like, “I am due in eight days and I am grumpy.”
I was mad. I didn’t want to move. My heart was broken by my own actions; there I sat writing this letter to God, to myself and to other mamas.
My raw, emotional letter goes something like this:
Dear Mama, You’ll have moments of irritation to point of being so annoyed with your two year old. You’ll maybe do the crazy of driving away a few feet without buckling that child up so she can feel fear and trembling. You want that child to suffer and know without a doubt that you are the boss and you are in control. Yet, you are out of control emotionally. You’ll mourn and be sad. You have no control and you’ll hate yourself. Disgusted with yourself: you’re done. You feel so done.
You two year old said sorry and you tell her that you’re ready to forgive her. She makes you angry. You feel like she is so against you: she knows better yet she chose to go against you. It’s like she chose to annoy you and push you over the edge.
Mama, it’s not true, though. The two year old didn’t ask to go to the park so your almost-due-and-overly-moody-self could be miserable! She just wanted time with her mom and play at the park.
*Then your heart begins to counsel you: The human heart feels so wretched, because it is…The heart thinks things, feels and says things it should. The heart is wretched, yet it is able to be rescued, redeemed, and revived. There is One who does not let the human heart fail. God rescues, redeem, and revive the wicked and failing. He restores*
I am so glad I had a moment to journal. I had some tissues in my purse. I had one pen and one scratch paper. I am thankful that I am not left to despair and desolation but rescue and revival. If I am to parent and be a healthy mom, I need to accept these moments happen. I am under Christ, though, not under bonds of sin and anger and hatred but bound to love and forgiveness.
I forgave myself and got to play with my two year. A day later, we’re ok and I just wanted to write to you, Mama. It’s hard but you can be real and raw. Take your thoughts captive and talk to your God. He is ready to rescue, redeem and revive your heart.
For great resources in your parenting life:
Go to Revive Our Hearts: http://www.reviveourhearts.com